Jack and I kept in contact secretly. We met when we could. It wasnt easy because our parents kept close taps on us. A week before I was supposed to go away to Christian college, Jack asked to meet me. He hinted that he had something for me. We often talked about a future together. He asked me if I saw him in my future. I did. He boldly asked if I would accept if he asked me to marry him. I knew would and I told him so. Though I was in no hurry to marry just yet. I knew one day I could see us together and happy. So an engagment now would be ok. Asking my parents permission was not on the table anymore. We both knew this was so. We were on the same page. Our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. We planned a meeting down the street as we usually did. I slipped out the back door. No matter how many times I did it, walking down the street frightened me. This time as different from the others. This time we got in his car and we drove to a near by empty parking lot. I knew he was going to propose. His not-so-subtle questions implied it clearly. But it still left me feeling surprised for some reason. It felt like a dream. He pulled out a small ring-sized box. To be honest I have no idea what he said to me. His words floated in the air but never reached my ears. I was beaming. The next thing I knew he had stopped talking. I sat there smiling like a Cheshire cat. “Well, are you going to answer me?” I finally heard him. I nodded “yes” like a mute idiot. He whispered, “can I hear you say it?” I had lost all words. My mind was screaming “yes” but I was unable to get the words off my lips. So instead I kissed him deeply. When I pulled back he asked if he could take that as a yes? I finally blurted the words out. “YES! YES!” Looking back I am surprised I left that night with my virginity in tacked.I was completely his mentally and he was mine. I obviously had to hide my little engagement trinket. That didn’t stop me from showing if off to my sister, Olivia. My one trusted confident. She was happy for me and I took joy in this. She was now married herself and she knew what a battled I had ahead of me. Going off to college put Jack and I in different states. Long distances are usually quite difficult for normal people. For us it allowed us to freely talk with out worry of repercussions. It also spared my of my mother’s constant jabs or complaints about my love for Jack. I never talked about him in front of her but that didn’t stop her from taking digs at me. School did have many disadvantages. The rules were much like that of my former “church” we had left just a year or so before. Some of the rules were worse. Every moment of my time was accounted for by the school. We had to get permission for everything we did, who we were with and where we went. It was like being in jail. We had to wear our Sunday morning best pretty much all the time. Everything had to be covered up for the girls from our necks down below the knees aside from our hands. Short sleeves were allowed as long as the complete shoulders were covered. Not even the tiniest slit in our skirts were permitted. Yes, this meant if our skirt buttoned up it had to be sewed or pinned shut under the last butten all the way to the end of the skirt. Otherwise it was considered immodest. No matter how long the skirt or “slit”. Pantyhose were a a huge deal. If we were caught without them and we were in big trouble! I often wore long skirts and boots to get around having to wear them. We also had a bedtime. Lights had to be out before 11.There was no internet access for students and men and woman were NOT allowed at the public library at the same time. Doing research papers with not an easy task. I hated it but I was relieved to be away from home so I got through it. I focused on work, school and the highlight of my day-my phone calls with Jack. During the time I was a school Jack and I got to know each other more and more. We spend hours on the phone and texting during the week. We knew each other’s schedules by heart. My co-workers hung on to our story like it was the “it” soap opera. Soon we had known each other for about a year. Jack and I had a rare opportunity to see each other. I had a particular rough week. I had just lost someone close to me and was feeling a lot of grief. We meet in the cover of night as we used to do. I climbed into his car and we went and parked in an old empty parking lot. I fought back tears. I had missed him. I was overwhelmed with sadness. He told me it was ok to cry. I was too embarrassed to let go. I also afraid if I cried I wouldn’t be able to stop. He held me in his arms comforting me. He gently kissed my fore head. He sang to me my favorite Elvis song I couldn’t control myself any more. He ran his fingers through my hair. After some time I regained my composure. We talked and he comforted me. I told him I was ready to be his completely. At this point all bets were off. We had tried so hard to be good. We tried to follow the rules and things weren’t getting any better. I hadn’t planned it. It was just what I wanted. We were married in our hearts. He said no at first because I was in a vulnerable state and he didn’t to take advantage of me. I asked again and he he agreed. It was a first for both of us. We had many first together but this was the biggest. I expected to feel guilt, regret, and maybe even dirty after I lost my virginity. I had been taught my whole life sex before married made you dirty. Like an old rag God didn’t want anymore. But to be honest it was somewhat freeing. We were married in our hearts. Just waiting for the best opportunity to make it so on paper. We both had to be freed. He needed freedom from his mother and I needed freedom from my promise of 1 year of college. SO I could at least say I tried. I went to bed that night feeling good. Neither of us had ever had the “sex ” talk with our parents or anyone for that matter. We never even got the” period” talk. Most of what we knew about sex had been secretly read from library books. It was awkward for sure but it was beautiful. It was us. It was real. Jack got laid off from his job and he had to go off his antidepressants because he now had no job or insurance to cover them. Tina, his mother decided that he wasn’t working hard enough to get another job. She refused to pay any of the bills to help him until he got a new job. He couldn’t go on like this. Soon they would lose their place of residence. Jack had to file for bankruptcy. He had a lot of debt from Tina that he had taken on in the past and was still paying off on top of bills and other living expenses. It was crushing him. This was terribly hard for Jack. He was very responsible guy by nature. He was used to taking care of himself and his mom from an early age and this put him in a tight spot. He decided to start applying for job in other states. He got a job interview a place across the country with the first application. The first thing he did was call me. He asked my opinion on it. He didn’t want to move anywhere that I wasn’t willing to go with go him. After much thought and discussion, we decided it was the best thing. It could be best for both of us to get away. College was coming to an end for me we were getting close now. Tina, however took it personally. She felt like Jack was just trying to get away from her. He wasn’t really do it for that reason but it was an excellent chance to make a clean break with out leaving her high and dry since he did have an income. Giving his current situation he had no choice but to take the chance regardless. So he went. This state was a place he had lived before with his mom. He called ahead to church that he attended and found old class mate from his christian school, who agreed let him rent a room for a while. This is one of the best things to happen for him. There was no room for his mom. The old class mate was part of the Mackenzie family. They were brothers who lived together and they had one room available. They knew Jack and his mother in the past. They agreed that he could stay as long as he liked but Tina couldn’t live there too. Tina, of course, followed Jack as soon as she could get a job transfer. But had to find somewhere else to stay. She rented from a room from another church member.( It didn’t last long though over the next 3 years she moved a totally of 13). This was really the clean break he needed. This was his first step to freedom. So here I leave you again.
Until next time, Sage
Copyright Sage © 2015 Starting over and Breaking Free. Do not use without my permission.
Breaking Free and Starting over 