Part 9: One last leap to freedom

A few days ago I let my husband in on my blogging secret. Even though I am doing this anonymously, this is his life too. I am sharing our lives with the whole world. So I told him about it. He was awesome and so supportive. Even went so far to say he was glad I had an outlet to work through things.

I have a few readers now or at least views. It feels very weird sharing personal detail of my life that I never told anyone else aside from my husband. I second guessed myself a million times about writing things because of judgement. But this is my story and even the things less than ideal are a part of it so I will continue.

A month pasted since Jack and I had our rendezvous. Jack and I were living in different states. We talked on the phone every single day. . I had only months left in school. He was doing much better.We were talking about marriage but no plans were set just yet.We were happy together.

I woke up one morning feeling horribly sick. I though it might have been a bug or something but after several days it didn’t pass. The smell of things made me sick to my stomach. I was exhausted.Yes, I’m sure you see where is going. I was late… I had never been late before.  While Jack and I knew about the basics of birth control from various pop culture, I was not on birth control. My parents would NEVER let me use it even if it was medical reasons. I closes thing I had to “the talk” was when the “Leader” from our former church had told only dirty girls have sex before marriage. They also get STDs. I had never seen a condom in real life nor did I really know how to use one. I was too was afraid that if we bought contraception, we would get caught.Plus, our night together waaasnt really planned. So we tried to just well… without going into the gritty details “be careful” naturally. This was not such a good idea. While I don’t really regret being with Jack, I did wish it were under better circumstances. Or that we had been better prepared. Meeting at night wasn’t the best idea. The temptation to indulge was strong. But meeting during the day was not an option. My parents would never approve. How silly is it that two adults needed their parents approval?

Jack wanted to come and get me as soon as I told him. I hadn’t even taken a pregnancy test yet. I told him to wait until I was sure. I wasn’t allowed to go to the store alone so I had no idea how I was even going to get a test without getting in trouble. I tried to pretend this wasn’t happening but my nausea wasn’t helping any.

One morning a few weeks later I woke up feeling weak and achy. I went on like usual. I had a really hard time focusing in class. I went back to my dorm room at lunch time to rest before I had to go to work. I was in horrible pain now.  Pain like I hadn’t felt before. If I had been pregnant I wasn’t anymore. I felt sad and scared. I didn’t know for sure what was happening. But I won’t lie I wonder if it wasn’t God’s judgement on me.  Miscarriages ran in my family. My mom and my sister, Olivia both had lost their first babies. Olivia also lost her second at 6 weeks along. I tried to shake the thoughts out of my head. I popped a few Advil and suffered through it. That time was a blur. I am pretty sure I took some sick days but I can’t remember how many or how long. When I did go back to work I remember trying to pretend I was alright. I ended up with dish duty at the restaurant where I was working. It made it easier because I was alone and I didn’t have to force myself to hide the pain I was in.  It lasted for nearly 2 weeks. I did my best to pretend I was ok but I wasn’t. Jack tried his best to be there for me from a far but there wasn’t much he could do. My parents told the college to look at for him so we couldn’t see each other. I went through it alone and silently. I told no one at the college about it. If anyone asked if I was ok I blamed it on the flu. Soon I recovered and pushed my thoughts and emotions deep down and moved on.

By the time I finished my year of college, Jack had already moved away to another state. I transferred my job back to the area where my family lived. Jack was doing well. He continued to rent from his friend and we decided he would continue until after I joined him so we could find an apartment together. The summer passed and Jack was more than ready to marry me but I wasnt quite ready yet. He was the amazingly patient with me. I wanted be 100% this was right. His mother had called me and fed me lies about how he was going to beat me after we were married because he was abusive to her. While I didn’t believe her since she was a known liar, I was afraid. If it didn’t work out I’d have to come home with my tail between my legs.

Nearly 2 years after Jack walked through my door I finally told him I was ready. He got a plane ticket because I didn’t want to make the trip to an unknow place by myself.  I gave my 2 weeks notice at work. I didn’t want to ruin the last few months with my family so I didn’t tell anyone except for Olivia and another close friend.  I gave them one last holiday-Thanksgiving. A couple of days before I left I told my mom I was going. She didn’t take it well. She called the pastor of our church but he told her to let me go. I was 20 years old. I had to make my own choice. I was very surprised. (Shout out to Pastor P. for granted me my freedom). The “church” we used to go to probably would have told them to lock me in the basement.

My mom didn’t let go without a fight. There were tears and “fasting”( Going with out food in hopes that God will grant your prayers), loud praying and guilt trips poured down on me. Of course yelling and warnings too.

The night before Jack arrived I got cold feet. I felt like I had betrayed my family.  Even my sister Kolbie was crying. I called Jack and told him how I felt. He said I’m coming anyways either way but not to worry. I dont think I slept at all.

That morning I packed what I could fit in suit case and a pillow case which wasn’t much. I left my bags at home and for the first time I met Jack down the street in day light. I was shaking and full of  uncertainty. I wanted him so bad but could I leave everything I’ve known?

Jack hugged me tightly. I hugged him back and took in his smell. He was warm and familiar. We sat together. He told me he loved me and wanted me to come with him but he would understand if I didn’t. I appreciated so much how he treated me like a person. He was the first person who let me decide my fate instead of telling m what to think or do. It was my choice to make and he never pressured me or amde me feel guilty for getting cold feet or feeling uncertain.

I called Rob, my friend, who had played a mediator between my parents, Jack and I before. I needed some outside advice. He said something that put everything in perspective. He said, “Do you love him?” I replied that I did. ” He said ” Sage, the only one stopping you is you now.”  He was right! I let the guilt and fear hold me down.  I needed to simply walk away. I kissed jack and went back and got my stuff that I packed and left the rest behind. I told my mom I loved her, dad, and Kolbie. Then I left with Jack.

That was the day I truly found freedom.  That was the day my new life started

Until next time, Sage

Copyright Sage © 2015  Starting over and Breaking Free. Do not use without my permission.

Part 8: A little light in a dark place

Jack and I kept in contact secretly. We met when we could. It wasnt easy because our parents kept close taps on us. A week before I was supposed to go away to Christian college, Jack asked to meet me. He hinted that he had something for me. We often talked about a future together. He asked me if I saw him in my future. I did.  He boldly asked if I would accept if he asked me to marry him. I knew would and I told him so. Though I was in no hurry to marry just yet. I knew one day I could see us together and happy.  So an engagment now would be ok. Asking my parents permission was not on the table anymore. We both knew this was so. We were on the same page. Our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. We planned a meeting down the street as we usually did.  I slipped out the back door. No matter how many times I did it, walking down the street frightened me. This time as different from the others. This time we got in his car and we drove to a near by empty parking lot. I knew he was going to propose. His not-so-subtle questions implied it clearly. But it still left me feeling surprised for some reason. It felt like a dream. He pulled out a small ring-sized box. To be honest I have no idea what he said to me. His words floated in the air but never reached my ears. I was beaming. The next thing I knew he had stopped talking. I sat there smiling like a Cheshire cat. “Well, are you going to answer me?” I finally heard him. I nodded “yes” like a mute idiot. He whispered, “can I hear you say it?” I had lost all words. My mind was screaming “yes” but I was unable to get the words off my lips. So instead I kissed him deeply. When I pulled back he asked if he could take that as a yes? I finally blurted the words out. “YES! YES!” Looking back I am surprised I left that night with my virginity in tacked.I was completely his mentally and he was mine. I obviously had to hide my little engagement trinket. That didn’t stop me from showing if off to my sister, Olivia. My one trusted confident. She was happy for me and I took joy in this. She was now married herself and she knew what a battled I had ahead of me. Going off to college put Jack and I in different states. Long distances are usually quite difficult for normal people. For us it allowed us to freely talk with out worry of repercussions. It also spared my of my mother’s constant jabs or complaints about my love for Jack. I never talked about him in front of her but that didn’t stop her from taking digs at me. School did have many disadvantages. The rules were much like that of my former “church” we had left just a year or so before. Some of the rules were worse. Every moment of my time was accounted for by the school. We had to get permission for everything we did, who we were with and where we went. It was like being in jail. We had to wear our Sunday morning best pretty much all the time. Everything had to be covered up for the girls from our necks down below the knees aside from our hands. Short sleeves were allowed as long as the complete shoulders were covered. Not even the tiniest slit in our skirts were permitted. Yes, this meant if our skirt buttoned up it had to be sewed or pinned shut under the last butten all the way to the end of the skirt. Otherwise it was considered immodest. No matter how long the skirt or “slit”. Pantyhose were a a huge deal. If we were caught without them and we were in big trouble! I often wore long skirts and boots to get around having to wear them. We also had a bedtime. Lights had to be out before 11.There was no internet access for students and men and woman were NOT allowed at the public library at the same time. Doing research papers with not an easy task.  I hated it but I was relieved to be away from home so I got through it. I focused on work, school and the highlight of my day-my phone calls with Jack. During the time I was a school Jack and I got to know each other more and more. We spend hours on the phone and texting during the week.  We knew each other’s schedules by heart. My co-workers hung on to our story like it was the “it” soap opera. Soon we had known each other for about a year. Jack and I had a rare opportunity to see each other. I had a particular rough week. I had just lost someone close to me and was feeling a lot of grief.  We meet in the cover of night as we used to do. I climbed into his car and we went and parked in an old empty parking lot. I fought back tears. I had missed him. I was overwhelmed with sadness. He told me it was ok to cry. I was too embarrassed to let go. I also afraid if I cried I wouldn’t be able to stop. He held me in his arms comforting me. He gently kissed my fore head. He sang to me my favorite Elvis song I couldn’t control myself any more. He ran his fingers through my hair. After some time I regained my composure. We talked and he comforted me. I told him I was ready to be his completely. At this point all bets were off. We had tried so hard to be good. We tried to follow the rules and things weren’t getting any better. I hadn’t planned it. It was just what I wanted. We were married in our hearts. He said no at first because I was in a vulnerable state and he didn’t to take advantage of me. I asked again and he he agreed. It was a first for both of us. We had many first together but this was the biggest. I expected to feel guilt, regret, and maybe even dirty after I lost my virginity. I had been taught my whole life sex before married made you dirty. Like an old rag God didn’t want anymore. But to be honest it was somewhat freeing. We were married in our hearts. Just waiting for the best opportunity to make it so on paper. We both had to be freed. He needed freedom from his mother and I needed freedom from my promise of 1 year of college. SO I could at least say I tried.  I went to bed that night feeling good. Neither of us had ever had the “sex ” talk with our parents or anyone for that matter. We never even got the” period” talk. Most of what we knew about sex had been secretly read from library books. It was awkward for sure but it was beautiful. It was us. It was real. Jack got laid off from his job and he had to go off his antidepressants because he now had no job or insurance to cover them. Tina, his mother decided that he wasn’t working hard enough to get another job. She refused to pay any of the bills to help him until he got a new job. He couldn’t go on like this. Soon they would lose their place of residence. Jack had to file for bankruptcy. He had a lot of debt from Tina that he had taken on in the past and was still paying off on top of  bills and other living expenses. It was crushing him. This was terribly hard for Jack. He was very responsible guy by nature. He was used to taking care of himself and his mom from an early age and this put him in a tight spot. He decided to start applying for job in other states. He got a job interview a place across the country with the first application. The first thing he did was call me. He asked my opinion on it. He didn’t want to move anywhere that I wasn’t willing to go with go him. After much thought and discussion, we decided it was the best thing. It could be best for both of us to get away. College was coming to an end for me we were getting close now. Tina, however took it personally. She felt like Jack was just trying to get away from her. He wasn’t really do it for that reason but it was an excellent chance to make a clean break with out leaving her high and dry since he did have an income. Giving his current situation he had no choice but to take the chance regardless. So he went. This state was a place he had lived before with his mom. He called ahead to church that he attended and found old class mate from his christian school, who agreed let him rent a room for a while. This is one of the best things to happen for him. There was no room for his mom. The old class mate was part of the Mackenzie family. They were brothers who lived together and they had one room available. They knew Jack and his mother in the past. They agreed that he could stay as long as he liked but Tina couldn’t live there too. Tina, of course, followed Jack as soon as she could get a job transfer. But had to find somewhere else to stay. She rented from a room from another church member.( It didn’t last long though over the next 3 years she moved a totally of 13). This was really the clean break he needed. This was his first step to freedom. So here I leave you again.

Until next time, Sage

Copyright Sage © 2015  Starting over and Breaking Free. Do not use without my permission.

Part 7: Where do we go from here?

2015-05-04 02.57.19

This little cartoon applies to the way I feel writing about this stuff.

Over the next few days… weeks even, I felt numb. I was dead inside. I had no idea how to process my pain and worry about Jack. I had no way of knowing if he was ok or not. When him was admitted to the hospita,l they took his cell phone and he now had no internet access. He had reached the point of clinical depression. He was in a regular hospital not a mental hospital like my mom had said. I wanted to visit him but I had no way of getting there. I was stuck.

What drove him to this? Jack felt trapped and hopeless. His mom had a job but he was still supporting her financially. She only paid her car payments. Aside from his work, she went everywhere with him. If he wanted to go anywhere alone, she would start a fight about how she was his mother and god-giving authority. If that didn’t work she would cried about how he didn’t want to be around her. Eventually, he gave in. She was telling my mother that he was turning away from God. She used his enjoyment of “wicked” rock music and mine as well as mine as proof of his corruption of me. Nevermind the fact that I enjoyed it before he came along. Tina, also told my mom he was abusive toward her.  My mom bought it all. He was a very kind man. He put up with a lot of crap. Now there was no hope of  my parent’s approval.

His mom controlled everything he did. She even controlled the way he dressed. He wasn’t allow to wear casual clothes. Only collared shirts and khaki pants. She picked his hair cut. She even controlled where he went to college after graduating high school. Of Course it was nearby so he wouldn’t be able to leave her. After a year she decided that God no longer wanted him there because she wanted to move to another state and she wouldn’t allow him to go back. Of course he had never been allowed to go to any school that would allow for him to have a proper career.

Our lack of communication added to the pile. He wanted to be free. He wanted to have a family with me. He had heard I moved on. He lost all hope. He slashed his wrist. Thankfully, his attempt failed.

After he had healed and was giving antidepressants.  He was sent home. He started attending another church with Tina. It was too far too painful to face people after what he had done. We were able to sneak a few phone calls while I was at work. We worked it out between us. We were both still willing to give it a shot even though both our parents were both actively trying to pull us apart. I was hurt and angry about what he did. But at the same time I have harbored thoughts of killing myself in my past so I sympathized. We talked about it and I said they only way I would still fight for him is if he never tried that again. He promised. We both agreed not to listen to the things our parents said in attempt to break us up. It was mostly lies anyways. We were ready to move on. Our parents were not.

One day Tina called my mom. I answered the phone first but didn’t hang up when my mom answered. (We had two phones. One each in different sides of the house)She told my mom that she was checking the phone bill and that we were still in communication. After that Jack bought me a cell phone. Now he had to get it too me.

We arranged to meet down the street after everyone had gone to sleep. It had been a good month or so I think since we saw each other. I missed him so much. I creeped out the back door as quietly as I could.. It was dark. The only light around was a street light at the end of the driveway. I tried to avoid it so no one would see me. I walked rapidly down the street My hard pounded. What if someone saw me? What if there were drunks or kidnappers out there? I saw a shadow and jumped. Was that Jack? I whispered his name. I heard his voice responded. I’m not sure what he said but it was him! I could hardly make out his face but that didn’t stop me from jumping into his arms. I somehow managed to pull it off with out too much trouble. We hugged and emotions flooded around us. He led me back to his car so we could have some light. He gave me a cell phone and we cuddled and talked. I promised me one again to never try to end his life and apologies for his selfishness. I felt at home in his arms. I will admit it,we kissed..a lot…a whole lot. I kissed him first. He asked me if I was sure I was ok with kissing. He wanted to make sure I didn’t feel like I was being taken advantage of by him. and that I still loved him.  I never did. He was also very careful to be respectful even when I was the one pursuing him.  This was the first time I felt happiness since he moved out of our little hostel.

We still had a long way to go.  I loved him dearly but I wasn’t sure how we were going to make this work. I was nearly 19 and I had only a short time before I would go off to Christian college. I wasn’t just yet ready to marry a man. Let alone one I had only met 7 or 8 months ago. But I certainly wasn’t letting go! We needed each other. I walked home slowly. I had no idea what to feel. I wanted to feel happy but was that possible? Was I meant to ever be happy?

I suppose this is enough for now. Writing the last two posts affecting me more than I expected. It is often hard to reflect on difficult parts of our past but it makes us stronger when we learn from our mistakes or grow from our experiences.

Until next time, Sage

Post 6: Dark ages

This point in my life I often referred to as my “Dark ages.” It was an unhappy painful time. Our forbidden love was taking root. Things seemed impossible. I couldn’t pull back from the relationship but I couldn’t see how we could go on either with disapproving parents.

The next morning after our first kiss, I received an email from Jack. I had been trained not to have emotions aside from fake joy or perhaps real joy (if I could muster soome up) and of course fear, as it kept me in line. I had let my guard down and I don’t think I reacted to Jack’s kiss and proclamation of love as I wanted too. I scared him. He was afraid he pushed me too far. He has crossed a line that made me feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t really uncomfortable just maybe overwhelmed. I did feel joy in his kiss but fear and uncertainty as well.

I went back to an old email that I created so Jack and I could email with out my parent’s knowledge. I was hoping to share the email he wrote to me but I was so sad to see it was deactivated for sitting un-used for so long. It was gone. I did some digging and I actually realized he had sent it to my regular email address. It was buried deep but here it is:

Dear Sage,
     I am very glad we got around to sharing our feelings last night!
     What I would like to do is set some boundaries for us so we can maintain our testimonies and continue to glorify God. I think God is very interested in us and He is the One we will follow. I believe we should not kiss. It is a line I will not cross again and I would ask you to do the same. Not because it is a bad thing (I enjoyed it!!), but simply because it would be wise as a guard against things which are obviously not appropriate for us right now. The right time will come!
     God has given us too good of a relationship for me to allow Satan to cause problems. He has blessed us beyond measure and we should commit ourselves to honoring Him.
     You are special to me and I really don’t want it any other way! I can’t help but stand amazed at how God allowed me to meet someone as like-minded and cool as you.
 Jack 😛
While he did say all the “right” things for a “good christian” man to say, I was crushed. I thought he regretted our kiss. 3 days we tried to behave. It was incredible awkward. We didn’t know how to act around each other.  Seeing him but not being able to hold his hands or kiss his lips felt like slow torture. 3 days…The 3rd afternoon I gave up.
 I was able to catch him alone on a chance.  I said I understood why he didn’t want to kiss but it felt cold between us and I hated it and I couldn’t take it anymore. He seemed very relieved. He felt the same way but didn’t know how to fix it.  He confessed that while he wanted God on our side he was mainly worried that I felt pressure to go further than I was willing to go. He never meant to make me feel this way. It was basically a misunderstanding of my reaction to our kiss. After that things seemed better between us. We held hands but kept things calm for the most point.
Jack soon found a place to live. I was happy Tina was going, but very sad to see him go. Our last night together at my house, we sat on the couch holding hands.  Oh, how I was going to miss this time with him. Finally, I gave in to my urge to hold him. I climbed into his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. I laid my head on his shoulder. He didn’t push me away. Instead he hugged me. I fought back the urge to cry. I kissed him and he kissed back. We didn’t care about rules. Nothing else mattered.  I accidentally said, ” I love you!’ The words surprised me as I meant to say “I like you”. But that wasn’t the truth. I didn’t just like him. I was in LOVE. Head over heals in love. I started to correct myself but instead I said ” Oh hell! Forget it. I love you!” He smiled and said “I love you” back to me. While “hell” was not a word we were allowed to used unless referring to the place people burn when they die, I felt the need to use it in this instant. It was my way of saying rules be damned! I loved him more than anyone. We cuddled there for as long as we could and then we both went to our own separate beds.This wouldn’t be the end..I wouldn’t give up. That was the last time we met in the common room alone together.
Jack and I talked a mutual friend about the situation. His name was Rob. He talked to my parents and then talked to us. We came up with an agreement. We promised our parents we would behave and follow their rules with the hope that they would allow us to date after I attended one year of  an approved Christian college. We stopped emailing and seeing each other at church. Though occasionally we exchanged secret facial gestures as a way of saying, “I love you, hang in there”.  Later it came out that my parents were really hoping a year of college would help me move on.  My mother pushed a number of boys she picked out for me toward my way. Even told Tina that I had moved on because I spent time with a boy on a church project. But I had no interest in him. It was merely a job. It was getting harder and harder being apart and doing it my parents way.
I graduated high school. In about 3 months I would be going off to college. I was depressed. I was in pain. I was done playing the good “christian” girl.  I sent Jack and email waving my white flag of obedience to a rule I never wanted to follow. I was ready to be with him. I was ready to be his girl friend again. I just needed to hear him speak.
I got no reply. Maybe he wasnt ready? Maybe he gave up? Days pasted. Jack always answered my every email right away. I heard nothing.
 I often spent time sitting in a tree in my back yard jotting down short stories, drawing random things, or writing personal musings. This had been one of those days. I was having trouble focusing so I gave up and went back inside. When I walked through the door I heard my mom say too soomeone on the phone that I was back and that she had to go. She hung up and I cringed. She called my name. I leaned against the door frame of the room. Her face was somber. She told me that Jack had tried to commit suicide the night before. The news hit me like a brick in the face. I ran to my room. I heard her call behind me that he was in a mental hospital and that she was right all a long. She warned me they was crazy. As it turned out he had never received my email. I typed it in wrong. He didn’t know I was still holding onto hope. He only knew what he was told .I had moved on and my parents were never going to let us court.
Those words plunged into me like daggers to my heart. He wasn’t crazy. He was trapped. We were trapped.
Sorry but this is were I have to stop. As I type my hands are shaking. I need to regroup. So I will have to leave you here.
Until next time, Sage
Copyright Sage © 2015  Starting over and Breaking Free. Do not use without my permission.

Part 5: Falling Deeper

Jack was moving out soon. He was actively looking for a place. We didn’t have much longer. Lucky for us, his had actually gotten a job working late into the night. Since Jack had the car during the day, she had to get a job to pay for her own car. Jack couldnt afford two car payments, rent, and living expenses for them both. He was also paying off all of her credit card debt. He had already taken a pay cut in transferring to a new state with a lower cost of living. We were watched all day long so anytime spent together had to be after everyone went to sleep and Tina was at work. When we were at church we would make a secret facial gesture when no one was looking as a way of saying, ” Hey, I like you still! Chin up!” We also passed notes.

Jack had always been a gentlemen towards me. Though he never asked for my parents permission he did ask me for mine. After the first time he held my hand he asked me if it was ok. He wanted to make sure I was comfortable. That he wasn’t crossing a line I wasnt willing to cross. He always held open the door for me. He asked if he could email me. He was a very polite and respectful. Now I felt I was going to lose him.

One afternoon at church I jotted down a note telling him “I didn’t want to lose him”. I had lost many people in my life through the years as we had discussed before while playing checkers. I was afraid when he moved out he would give up. I slipped that note. Later I found another note in my Bible. He wrote “I’m not going anywhere”. I still have the note. 2015-05-04 21.51.56

It meant the world to me. It still does. Later that night we met in secret as we usually did. We wouldn’t have many more opportunity. Emotions were high. Jack sat down and started playing a game of cards. For most people in our religion cards were a bad thing- a mockery of God. My mother, however, had a bit of an addiction to solitaire that ran before we joined the previous “church”. We always had a deck of cards even though ‘I will not card games including solitary’ was in the contract that we signed when we started attending the old “church”.

I thanked Jack for the thoughtful note. He assured me he meant it. He had no intention of walking away or breaking my heart. I wanted to run to him. But I didn’t. There was a brief moment of Silence. I felt happiness that he cared and sadness for our situation all at the same time. Finally I said, ” I want to hug you.” He looked up at meand asked, ” Well, why don’t you.” I didn’t hesitate. I jump up and walked slowly to him. He stood up and we embraced. The tension was thick. This was forbidden but that didn’t matter. It felt like gravity was pulling us together. My head was spinning. It felt like we hugged for a long time. I looked into his eyes. We were quiet. He asked if I was ok? I said, ” Yes, I was.” I leaned closer. He did as well. Our faces were nearly touching but we hesitated to go further. He whispered, “I have never kissed a girl before.” I replied “I never kissed a boy either”. It was true. I hadn’t. I was nervous. I am pretty sure we were both shaking at this point. He said softly,  “Do you want to?” I nodded. Our lips met with quite a bit of force. I’m sure it was clumsy and awkward but it didn’t matter. I was feeling a high that I never felt before. When we pulled back ( I’m not sure who pulled back first. It happened so fast). He asked if I was ok again. He was nervous and didn’t want me to feel bad or uncomfortable as this was all against the rules and so very new for us. I said I was alright but I must have looked shocked because he helped me to the chair.  I felt faint.

He told me he loved me and that he wanted to marry me. Now I really was in shock! I felt like I was flying. I was overwhelmed, happy, and terrified what my parents would say or do if they found out we were this serious. He said ” I love you” and mentioned married without asking permission from my father. What am I going to do? ” I told him I felt the same way because the truth was I did! It was late at this point and I decided to excuse myself to bed since things were moving at a rapid rate. But I didn’t want to go. I was truly happy for the first time in a long time. But in reality our love was forbidden and it wouldn’t be long before it was crushed and we’d be torn apart.

Ok I suppose I’ll saved the tragedy for another time.

Until next time, Sage

Welcome to my blog

Let me start by saying I’m not responsible for any ads that may appear on my blog.

These are the real live accounts of my life. I have spent the last several years of my life trying to find myself. Undoing the things I was taught as a child. I came from an extremely conservative, religious background . In my new life, I’ve done things for the very first time as an adult, that most people would consider normal as children. This blog is my way of working through all the things I have tried and learned in the past few years along with the accounts of my past in what I can only describe as a controlling cult. This is about my thoughts and feelings on my whole experience.

These are my words and my story. Please don’t take them without my permission.

Sage © 2015  Starting over and Breaking Free.

I have labeled the post about my story as “Part 1”, “Part 2”, and “Part 3’…etc. Those posts are my back story. So you can read them in order and you know what is what. If I  leave it off, it is either unrelated or we have gotten to my current life story. I am new to this whole blogging thing so please bear with me. Scroll all the way down if you’d like to start at the beginning.