Abuse at home

My husband and I have been talking a lotabout our past since we started this blog and he asked me why I didn’t talk more about the bad choices my parents made and he also asked me why I left out certain details in my life? Partly, it was because I do still love my family and I don’t want to hurt them mainly my sister Olivia and partly because part it I felt like wasn’t my story to tell. But Jack is right. If I am going to talk about this stuff I need to talk about it ALL. So I am going back once again to when we started going to the cult church.
I have to admit I feel sick to my stomach right now thinking about it. I don’t think abuse should ever be covered up and brushed over. So ok I’m going to say it. The man I talked about in my post (click here to read post) He was actually related to us and lived with us were we lived for a very long time. No, It wasn’t my dad. One of my sisters was one of his victims. I knew he was a pervert but I was a child. I didn’t know what to do about it. My parents suspected he was into children too by the way he acted. But they didn’t know how bad it was until many years later. My sister stayed away from him as much as she could to avoid his encounters and he backed off eventually but tried to make her feel guilty about “not being fun anymore”. Taunted her. After my parents found out my sister moved out. My parents didn’t do anything about it. They thought because it had been awhile we’d just keep it quiet and pretend it didn’t happen. They also seemed upset with my sister for not wanting to live in the same house as him anymore. I once heard my mom say, ” You lived with him this long I don’t see why its a problem since he hasn’t done anything in a long time.” I think what hurts the most about it is that my dad is still there for him. When he says anything to my dad, my dad drops everything to go help him. He feels sorry for him because he has no one. Whose fault is that? He treats my dad horrible. Like my dad owes him something just because they are related. My aunt is not a christian but is living in complete denial. She thinks it was a one time thing. She defends him. But it he has so many victims and doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong.Why do people want to protect such evil monsters?
When I was young I had a lot of health problems. To be honest I still do. Mostly lung related. Before everything came out about this man, Charles, my parents would leave me home with him while I was sick. For people in our religion, the church always came first. You didn’t miss it for anything. You didn’t call in you crawled in. Though my mom and dad did take me to the dr and I do feel like my mom and dad did love me I often felt like church came first. One time particularly I almost died for an asthma/lung infection, when I came home, my parents left me in Charles care. Of course they didn’t know the how evil of a man he was but I also think they didn’t want to know. We were a good christian home. This would bring shame upon our name. As I told you before Charles asked if he could touch me but I said no. But I am sickened to think what he could have done to me while I slept and we were alone. I was on some pretty strong medication and I slept the whole time I was in his care. I want to vomit just thinking about it. He is now a registered sex offender for later offenses because of statutes of limitation were up by the time he got caught. One of my biggest regrets was not saying anything to police after I found out but I was a child. My whole world was “church” and school (they were the same thing). I should also add in a small defense of my parents, they did ask my sister what she wanted done. If she wanted him reported. But she was afraid and wanted it to be over with so she said, “nothing” but again she was a child.
I can’t express enough GROWN UPS, PLEASE, I beg you. Handle this stuff. If your children/ child or someone you know is being sexually assaulted call the police. Child predators don’t just have one victim and they don’t just stop. They may move on but they don’t stop.
Like I said before our whole lives were the ‘church.” I spend more time at church then I did my own house. I resented it. I was bored and tired. We often missed meals because we were at church. I once was fed a jumbo bag of m &ms for dinner because my mom was busy redecorating the church until late. I was hungry and my stomach ached. I complained about it and my mom was so embarrassed by it because the “leader” was there. I got an ear full the whole drive home about God’s service and not complaining. She did get me a burger on the way home which I ended up throwing up because I ate too fast, That on top of the m & ms, it just made me sick. It was dark by the time I got to eat real food and I didn’t have much lunch that day. Candy seems like a dream dinner for most kids but I didn’t have a huge sweet tooth. The rest of the week several adults in the “church” took their turns in lecturing me for complaining and not always putting God first. I even got a Sunday school lesson. I was so ashamed of myself. But the thing is I was a preteen. I was a growing kid. We never had dinner on Sundays. My mom had a lot on her plate. I understand that. But I wish my parents cared more about our family then others. She wanted to feel appreciated. The church praised her when she dropped everything for it.
If I had it and the pastor’s daughter wanted it, I had to give it up, joyfully. Needless to say we did not get along. I hated it. She never asked me for anything. She went straight to my mom because my mom would give it to her. We were poor. We didn’t have much. I hated it.
My parents often preferred to sacrifice for the church and pretend uncomfortable things went away. I love them dearly. Mom did often go to bat for me against the leader. But she was bad handling serious things until there was a gaping wound.
I remember when I was young she was so happy and awesome. I often wonder if she didn’t get postpartum depression after having my youngest sibling. That was right around the time we started going to the “church” and she really changed then. She was taking care of our house and Charles and home schooling me and my sisters while caring for a new baby. We all ended up moving into the same house. That is also when we stopped home school. My mother just had too much to juggle. Depression isn’t something Christians are supposed to have. I wonder what would have happened if that was acceptable?

My mom has expressed a lot of regret about how she handle a lot of things and I do forgive her. It’s too late to change anything but I did learn somethings. I will always put my families needs first. I know God is supposed to be first in one’s life but isn’t your family supposed to be your first ministry? Don’t their needs come first? Something to think about

Until next time, Sage

Abuse and the Church

My husband asked me once, “Does the church create the abuser or is the abuser drawn to the church? I put a lot of thought into this.

Mind you before I go into this further I feel the need to state that while there are a lot of bad people in ultra conservative churches, there also are some really good people too. People who mean well like my sister Olivia. She goes to a pretty conservative church. She and her daughters all follow the dress code, although she is not as strict in her other practices.  She is a very good and sweet person. She  has always loved accepted me no matter what my choice. I would never look down on her or anyone like her who are following their truth and are sincere and don’t use religion to hurt others.

Ok now that I got that out of  the way. There are many different types of abusive churches. It seems to me that most religions have some sort of extreme group. Some have more them one. For example you have the IFB ( Independent fundamental Baptist) for which I attended ( my former cult “church”). They were strict in so many ways it was hard to breathe. Another extreme is Westboro Baptist. They are all about the hate in a very extreme way. It’s mentally damaging. The funny thing is if my IFB cult church looked at westboro Baptist they would see worldly people. They wear pants. Use the NIV Bible which is considered very liberal. They aren’t close enough to God in their standards. They are both Baptist and both extreme. See what I mean by different extremes?

Even the Mormons have their on extremes. Have you seen the children dressed as little house on the prairie clothes and being married off as children? catholics have their own extremes. Muslims do as well. I could go on and on but you get where I am going with this.

So why do you see so much abuse in religion?

There was a man at our old “church” who had a fetish for little girls.  He was a wicked, disgusting man. He got a slap on the wrist. And eventually went to another church where he was thrown out. Then he went on to another church. He went to jail because the FBI caught him sending naked pictures to a minor over the internet.  When he got out the newest church he attended covered for him and welcomed him in. They were warned he was a bad man. They eventually realized it was truth and he was quietly kicked out. 4 Churches altogether he attended and abused in and he was never reported to the police. No wonder perverts like church! They can do what they want with no real consequences. Do you think Jesus would have allowed child after child be hurt in his church? Let the big bad wolf prey on our daughters in the name of forgiveness?  I don’t think so. forgiveness is a very good thing. However, forgiving doesn’t mean let people get away with crimes. Especially when they ARN’T sorry. They keep doing it and don’t see it as anything wrong!

Another reason abuser gravitate to conservative church is because children are broken and taught to obey the elders/adults/authorities over them NO MATTER what! I’m in charge of you, your are now my slave. This is not healthy! Yes, children should listen and obey but they have to be taught to think. Parents everywhere regardless of their religion or (lack there of) need to talk to their children about inappropriate touching.

Let me side tract for a min because what I am about to say is extremely important. Children are amazingly intuitive when it comes to people and they are very honest. They usually can pick up on a creeper. If our children don’t want to shake hands, hug, kiss and adult don’t make them. Making children show affection for someone who makes them uncomfortable shows them that they have no control over what happens to them. It may not be a matter of being polite. Children can often sense something is not right without being told. We need to teach out children not to do/ allow anything that makes them uncomfortable unless it’s a dr helping them.  Say it often!  It could save them form abuse later. I was asked once by the man I was talking about before. He tried to touch me. He even offered me stuff to trade/ I told him no and shoved him down. It spared me. My friends weren’t so lucky.

I got slightly off tract there, So lets move on. Another reason perverts/ abuser turn to religion is because of the word “God”.  This one was often used to manipulate my husband as a child. “God” – it’s like a magic word. If people think “God” said it they will pretty much do anything.  My husband was always told by his mother “God” put me in charge of you and you’ll do what I say or you’ll angry Him. Even as an adult she pulled the “God” card on him. Every time she moved or did anything impulsive it was always “God” telling her to do stuff.  Every time her house needed cleaned  and she didn’t want to do it (which was always) “God” told her to help him build character. Don’t get me wrong kids should have chores just not all of them. Especially not cool making a teenage boy walk to the laundry mat to wash your underware because so you can sit around and read magazines. Often times abusers use God to intimate people into doing what they’d like. Warren Jeff for example told the little boy that he abused that “God” wanted him to rape him and to keep it a secret. God would never want anything so evil to happen to a child.

The name “God” is often thrown around when really it’s just man/woman abusing thier authority. God would never want a child’s life ruins by sexual abuse.   Nor do I believe God wanted my husband to have a lonely, miserable slave-like childhood.  I certainly didn’t feel God’s presence at my old “church” when the pastor told us to support him or we were going against “God”.

So after much thought I think that a lot of time the abusers ARE drawn to the church but the sad thing is the church also creates abuser. Unfortunately, many children who are abused until being abuser themselves.

How do we fix this?

  1. Do background check on all people who are working church ministries. ESPECIALLY children’s ministries. If a church doesn’t do background checks do not leave your children there!
  2. Listen to your kids. If “that man” give them the creeps or makes them uncomfortable listen to them. I don’t care who he is or how old he is, or even if its a woman and not a man. We as adults were trained not to judge and how to be polite. Children are still leaving that and they are pretty good at picking out a creeper.
  3. Teach our children that no matter what tell if someone makes them uncomfortable EVEN if they said God says not to tell. We have to teach them that God will never tell them to keep secrets like that from mommy and daddy.
  4.  Remember abusers are often people close and often people you trust. Be careful who you leave your kids with.
  5. Be aware that power-hungry people often use ‘God” as a tool to control his people. Remember that a Pastor maybe a man of God but he is also human. Who makes mistakes and has pride. Man worshiping is against God. Respect your pastor but don’t worship him.
  6. Do not hide sexual abuse EVER. Forgiveness is a good thing and takes time but sexual abuse is a CRIME and the proper authorities (THE POLICE) need to be called immediately.
  7. Know the Bible and ask question. If you are going to be part of a church. It’s good to know what is actually in the Bible or what rules are more gray areas. Ask yourself is this really of God?  Questions are healthy. They help us learn and grow. If a pastor doesn’t like questions he might have something to hide.

Think about it, Sage

Part 9: One last leap to freedom

A few days ago I let my husband in on my blogging secret. Even though I am doing this anonymously, this is his life too. I am sharing our lives with the whole world. So I told him about it. He was awesome and so supportive. Even went so far to say he was glad I had an outlet to work through things.

I have a few readers now or at least views. It feels very weird sharing personal detail of my life that I never told anyone else aside from my husband. I second guessed myself a million times about writing things because of judgement. But this is my story and even the things less than ideal are a part of it so I will continue.

A month pasted since Jack and I had our rendezvous. Jack and I were living in different states. We talked on the phone every single day. . I had only months left in school. He was doing much better.We were talking about marriage but no plans were set just yet.We were happy together.

I woke up one morning feeling horribly sick. I though it might have been a bug or something but after several days it didn’t pass. The smell of things made me sick to my stomach. I was exhausted.Yes, I’m sure you see where is going. I was late… I had never been late before.  While Jack and I knew about the basics of birth control from various pop culture, I was not on birth control. My parents would NEVER let me use it even if it was medical reasons. I closes thing I had to “the talk” was when the “Leader” from our former church had told only dirty girls have sex before marriage. They also get STDs. I had never seen a condom in real life nor did I really know how to use one. I was too was afraid that if we bought contraception, we would get caught.Plus, our night together waaasnt really planned. So we tried to just well… without going into the gritty details “be careful” naturally. This was not such a good idea. While I don’t really regret being with Jack, I did wish it were under better circumstances. Or that we had been better prepared. Meeting at night wasn’t the best idea. The temptation to indulge was strong. But meeting during the day was not an option. My parents would never approve. How silly is it that two adults needed their parents approval?

Jack wanted to come and get me as soon as I told him. I hadn’t even taken a pregnancy test yet. I told him to wait until I was sure. I wasn’t allowed to go to the store alone so I had no idea how I was even going to get a test without getting in trouble. I tried to pretend this wasn’t happening but my nausea wasn’t helping any.

One morning a few weeks later I woke up feeling weak and achy. I went on like usual. I had a really hard time focusing in class. I went back to my dorm room at lunch time to rest before I had to go to work. I was in horrible pain now.  Pain like I hadn’t felt before. If I had been pregnant I wasn’t anymore. I felt sad and scared. I didn’t know for sure what was happening. But I won’t lie I wonder if it wasn’t God’s judgement on me.  Miscarriages ran in my family. My mom and my sister, Olivia both had lost their first babies. Olivia also lost her second at 6 weeks along. I tried to shake the thoughts out of my head. I popped a few Advil and suffered through it. That time was a blur. I am pretty sure I took some sick days but I can’t remember how many or how long. When I did go back to work I remember trying to pretend I was alright. I ended up with dish duty at the restaurant where I was working. It made it easier because I was alone and I didn’t have to force myself to hide the pain I was in.  It lasted for nearly 2 weeks. I did my best to pretend I was ok but I wasn’t. Jack tried his best to be there for me from a far but there wasn’t much he could do. My parents told the college to look at for him so we couldn’t see each other. I went through it alone and silently. I told no one at the college about it. If anyone asked if I was ok I blamed it on the flu. Soon I recovered and pushed my thoughts and emotions deep down and moved on.

By the time I finished my year of college, Jack had already moved away to another state. I transferred my job back to the area where my family lived. Jack was doing well. He continued to rent from his friend and we decided he would continue until after I joined him so we could find an apartment together. The summer passed and Jack was more than ready to marry me but I wasnt quite ready yet. He was the amazingly patient with me. I wanted be 100% this was right. His mother had called me and fed me lies about how he was going to beat me after we were married because he was abusive to her. While I didn’t believe her since she was a known liar, I was afraid. If it didn’t work out I’d have to come home with my tail between my legs.

Nearly 2 years after Jack walked through my door I finally told him I was ready. He got a plane ticket because I didn’t want to make the trip to an unknow place by myself.  I gave my 2 weeks notice at work. I didn’t want to ruin the last few months with my family so I didn’t tell anyone except for Olivia and another close friend.  I gave them one last holiday-Thanksgiving. A couple of days before I left I told my mom I was going. She didn’t take it well. She called the pastor of our church but he told her to let me go. I was 20 years old. I had to make my own choice. I was very surprised. (Shout out to Pastor P. for granted me my freedom). The “church” we used to go to probably would have told them to lock me in the basement.

My mom didn’t let go without a fight. There were tears and “fasting”( Going with out food in hopes that God will grant your prayers), loud praying and guilt trips poured down on me. Of course yelling and warnings too.

The night before Jack arrived I got cold feet. I felt like I had betrayed my family.  Even my sister Kolbie was crying. I called Jack and told him how I felt. He said I’m coming anyways either way but not to worry. I dont think I slept at all.

That morning I packed what I could fit in suit case and a pillow case which wasn’t much. I left my bags at home and for the first time I met Jack down the street in day light. I was shaking and full of  uncertainty. I wanted him so bad but could I leave everything I’ve known?

Jack hugged me tightly. I hugged him back and took in his smell. He was warm and familiar. We sat together. He told me he loved me and wanted me to come with him but he would understand if I didn’t. I appreciated so much how he treated me like a person. He was the first person who let me decide my fate instead of telling m what to think or do. It was my choice to make and he never pressured me or amde me feel guilty for getting cold feet or feeling uncertain.

I called Rob, my friend, who had played a mediator between my parents, Jack and I before. I needed some outside advice. He said something that put everything in perspective. He said, “Do you love him?” I replied that I did. ” He said ” Sage, the only one stopping you is you now.”  He was right! I let the guilt and fear hold me down.  I needed to simply walk away. I kissed jack and went back and got my stuff that I packed and left the rest behind. I told my mom I loved her, dad, and Kolbie. Then I left with Jack.

That was the day I truly found freedom.  That was the day my new life started

Until next time, Sage

Copyright Sage © 2015  Starting over and Breaking Free. Do not use without my permission.

Part 7: Where do we go from here?

2015-05-04 02.57.19

This little cartoon applies to the way I feel writing about this stuff.

Over the next few days… weeks even, I felt numb. I was dead inside. I had no idea how to process my pain and worry about Jack. I had no way of knowing if he was ok or not. When him was admitted to the hospita,l they took his cell phone and he now had no internet access. He had reached the point of clinical depression. He was in a regular hospital not a mental hospital like my mom had said. I wanted to visit him but I had no way of getting there. I was stuck.

What drove him to this? Jack felt trapped and hopeless. His mom had a job but he was still supporting her financially. She only paid her car payments. Aside from his work, she went everywhere with him. If he wanted to go anywhere alone, she would start a fight about how she was his mother and god-giving authority. If that didn’t work she would cried about how he didn’t want to be around her. Eventually, he gave in. She was telling my mother that he was turning away from God. She used his enjoyment of “wicked” rock music and mine as well as mine as proof of his corruption of me. Nevermind the fact that I enjoyed it before he came along. Tina, also told my mom he was abusive toward her.  My mom bought it all. He was a very kind man. He put up with a lot of crap. Now there was no hope of  my parent’s approval.

His mom controlled everything he did. She even controlled the way he dressed. He wasn’t allow to wear casual clothes. Only collared shirts and khaki pants. She picked his hair cut. She even controlled where he went to college after graduating high school. Of Course it was nearby so he wouldn’t be able to leave her. After a year she decided that God no longer wanted him there because she wanted to move to another state and she wouldn’t allow him to go back. Of course he had never been allowed to go to any school that would allow for him to have a proper career.

Our lack of communication added to the pile. He wanted to be free. He wanted to have a family with me. He had heard I moved on. He lost all hope. He slashed his wrist. Thankfully, his attempt failed.

After he had healed and was giving antidepressants.  He was sent home. He started attending another church with Tina. It was too far too painful to face people after what he had done. We were able to sneak a few phone calls while I was at work. We worked it out between us. We were both still willing to give it a shot even though both our parents were both actively trying to pull us apart. I was hurt and angry about what he did. But at the same time I have harbored thoughts of killing myself in my past so I sympathized. We talked about it and I said they only way I would still fight for him is if he never tried that again. He promised. We both agreed not to listen to the things our parents said in attempt to break us up. It was mostly lies anyways. We were ready to move on. Our parents were not.

One day Tina called my mom. I answered the phone first but didn’t hang up when my mom answered. (We had two phones. One each in different sides of the house)She told my mom that she was checking the phone bill and that we were still in communication. After that Jack bought me a cell phone. Now he had to get it too me.

We arranged to meet down the street after everyone had gone to sleep. It had been a good month or so I think since we saw each other. I missed him so much. I creeped out the back door as quietly as I could.. It was dark. The only light around was a street light at the end of the driveway. I tried to avoid it so no one would see me. I walked rapidly down the street My hard pounded. What if someone saw me? What if there were drunks or kidnappers out there? I saw a shadow and jumped. Was that Jack? I whispered his name. I heard his voice responded. I’m not sure what he said but it was him! I could hardly make out his face but that didn’t stop me from jumping into his arms. I somehow managed to pull it off with out too much trouble. We hugged and emotions flooded around us. He led me back to his car so we could have some light. He gave me a cell phone and we cuddled and talked. I promised me one again to never try to end his life and apologies for his selfishness. I felt at home in his arms. I will admit it,we kissed..a lot…a whole lot. I kissed him first. He asked me if I was sure I was ok with kissing. He wanted to make sure I didn’t feel like I was being taken advantage of by him. and that I still loved him.  I never did. He was also very careful to be respectful even when I was the one pursuing him.  This was the first time I felt happiness since he moved out of our little hostel.

We still had a long way to go.  I loved him dearly but I wasn’t sure how we were going to make this work. I was nearly 19 and I had only a short time before I would go off to Christian college. I wasn’t just yet ready to marry a man. Let alone one I had only met 7 or 8 months ago. But I certainly wasn’t letting go! We needed each other. I walked home slowly. I had no idea what to feel. I wanted to feel happy but was that possible? Was I meant to ever be happy?

I suppose this is enough for now. Writing the last two posts affecting me more than I expected. It is often hard to reflect on difficult parts of our past but it makes us stronger when we learn from our mistakes or grow from our experiences.

Until next time, Sage

Post 6: Dark ages

This point in my life I often referred to as my “Dark ages.” It was an unhappy painful time. Our forbidden love was taking root. Things seemed impossible. I couldn’t pull back from the relationship but I couldn’t see how we could go on either with disapproving parents.

The next morning after our first kiss, I received an email from Jack. I had been trained not to have emotions aside from fake joy or perhaps real joy (if I could muster soome up) and of course fear, as it kept me in line. I had let my guard down and I don’t think I reacted to Jack’s kiss and proclamation of love as I wanted too. I scared him. He was afraid he pushed me too far. He has crossed a line that made me feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t really uncomfortable just maybe overwhelmed. I did feel joy in his kiss but fear and uncertainty as well.

I went back to an old email that I created so Jack and I could email with out my parent’s knowledge. I was hoping to share the email he wrote to me but I was so sad to see it was deactivated for sitting un-used for so long. It was gone. I did some digging and I actually realized he had sent it to my regular email address. It was buried deep but here it is:

Dear Sage,
     I am very glad we got around to sharing our feelings last night!
     What I would like to do is set some boundaries for us so we can maintain our testimonies and continue to glorify God. I think God is very interested in us and He is the One we will follow. I believe we should not kiss. It is a line I will not cross again and I would ask you to do the same. Not because it is a bad thing (I enjoyed it!!), but simply because it would be wise as a guard against things which are obviously not appropriate for us right now. The right time will come!
     God has given us too good of a relationship for me to allow Satan to cause problems. He has blessed us beyond measure and we should commit ourselves to honoring Him.
     You are special to me and I really don’t want it any other way! I can’t help but stand amazed at how God allowed me to meet someone as like-minded and cool as you.
 Jack 😛
While he did say all the “right” things for a “good christian” man to say, I was crushed. I thought he regretted our kiss. 3 days we tried to behave. It was incredible awkward. We didn’t know how to act around each other.  Seeing him but not being able to hold his hands or kiss his lips felt like slow torture. 3 days…The 3rd afternoon I gave up.
 I was able to catch him alone on a chance.  I said I understood why he didn’t want to kiss but it felt cold between us and I hated it and I couldn’t take it anymore. He seemed very relieved. He felt the same way but didn’t know how to fix it.  He confessed that while he wanted God on our side he was mainly worried that I felt pressure to go further than I was willing to go. He never meant to make me feel this way. It was basically a misunderstanding of my reaction to our kiss. After that things seemed better between us. We held hands but kept things calm for the most point.
Jack soon found a place to live. I was happy Tina was going, but very sad to see him go. Our last night together at my house, we sat on the couch holding hands.  Oh, how I was going to miss this time with him. Finally, I gave in to my urge to hold him. I climbed into his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. I laid my head on his shoulder. He didn’t push me away. Instead he hugged me. I fought back the urge to cry. I kissed him and he kissed back. We didn’t care about rules. Nothing else mattered.  I accidentally said, ” I love you!’ The words surprised me as I meant to say “I like you”. But that wasn’t the truth. I didn’t just like him. I was in LOVE. Head over heals in love. I started to correct myself but instead I said ” Oh hell! Forget it. I love you!” He smiled and said “I love you” back to me. While “hell” was not a word we were allowed to used unless referring to the place people burn when they die, I felt the need to use it in this instant. It was my way of saying rules be damned! I loved him more than anyone. We cuddled there for as long as we could and then we both went to our own separate beds.This wouldn’t be the end..I wouldn’t give up. That was the last time we met in the common room alone together.
Jack and I talked a mutual friend about the situation. His name was Rob. He talked to my parents and then talked to us. We came up with an agreement. We promised our parents we would behave and follow their rules with the hope that they would allow us to date after I attended one year of  an approved Christian college. We stopped emailing and seeing each other at church. Though occasionally we exchanged secret facial gestures as a way of saying, “I love you, hang in there”.  Later it came out that my parents were really hoping a year of college would help me move on.  My mother pushed a number of boys she picked out for me toward my way. Even told Tina that I had moved on because I spent time with a boy on a church project. But I had no interest in him. It was merely a job. It was getting harder and harder being apart and doing it my parents way.
I graduated high school. In about 3 months I would be going off to college. I was depressed. I was in pain. I was done playing the good “christian” girl.  I sent Jack and email waving my white flag of obedience to a rule I never wanted to follow. I was ready to be with him. I was ready to be his girl friend again. I just needed to hear him speak.
I got no reply. Maybe he wasnt ready? Maybe he gave up? Days pasted. Jack always answered my every email right away. I heard nothing.
 I often spent time sitting in a tree in my back yard jotting down short stories, drawing random things, or writing personal musings. This had been one of those days. I was having trouble focusing so I gave up and went back inside. When I walked through the door I heard my mom say too soomeone on the phone that I was back and that she had to go. She hung up and I cringed. She called my name. I leaned against the door frame of the room. Her face was somber. She told me that Jack had tried to commit suicide the night before. The news hit me like a brick in the face. I ran to my room. I heard her call behind me that he was in a mental hospital and that she was right all a long. She warned me they was crazy. As it turned out he had never received my email. I typed it in wrong. He didn’t know I was still holding onto hope. He only knew what he was told .I had moved on and my parents were never going to let us court.
Those words plunged into me like daggers to my heart. He wasn’t crazy. He was trapped. We were trapped.
Sorry but this is were I have to stop. As I type my hands are shaking. I need to regroup. So I will have to leave you here.
Until next time, Sage
Copyright Sage © 2015  Starting over and Breaking Free. Do not use without my permission.

Part 5: Falling Deeper

Jack was moving out soon. He was actively looking for a place. We didn’t have much longer. Lucky for us, his had actually gotten a job working late into the night. Since Jack had the car during the day, she had to get a job to pay for her own car. Jack couldnt afford two car payments, rent, and living expenses for them both. He was also paying off all of her credit card debt. He had already taken a pay cut in transferring to a new state with a lower cost of living. We were watched all day long so anytime spent together had to be after everyone went to sleep and Tina was at work. When we were at church we would make a secret facial gesture when no one was looking as a way of saying, ” Hey, I like you still! Chin up!” We also passed notes.

Jack had always been a gentlemen towards me. Though he never asked for my parents permission he did ask me for mine. After the first time he held my hand he asked me if it was ok. He wanted to make sure I was comfortable. That he wasn’t crossing a line I wasnt willing to cross. He always held open the door for me. He asked if he could email me. He was a very polite and respectful. Now I felt I was going to lose him.

One afternoon at church I jotted down a note telling him “I didn’t want to lose him”. I had lost many people in my life through the years as we had discussed before while playing checkers. I was afraid when he moved out he would give up. I slipped that note. Later I found another note in my Bible. He wrote “I’m not going anywhere”. I still have the note. 2015-05-04 21.51.56

It meant the world to me. It still does. Later that night we met in secret as we usually did. We wouldn’t have many more opportunity. Emotions were high. Jack sat down and started playing a game of cards. For most people in our religion cards were a bad thing- a mockery of God. My mother, however, had a bit of an addiction to solitaire that ran before we joined the previous “church”. We always had a deck of cards even though ‘I will not card games including solitary’ was in the contract that we signed when we started attending the old “church”.

I thanked Jack for the thoughtful note. He assured me he meant it. He had no intention of walking away or breaking my heart. I wanted to run to him. But I didn’t. There was a brief moment of Silence. I felt happiness that he cared and sadness for our situation all at the same time. Finally I said, ” I want to hug you.” He looked up at meand asked, ” Well, why don’t you.” I didn’t hesitate. I jump up and walked slowly to him. He stood up and we embraced. The tension was thick. This was forbidden but that didn’t matter. It felt like gravity was pulling us together. My head was spinning. It felt like we hugged for a long time. I looked into his eyes. We were quiet. He asked if I was ok? I said, ” Yes, I was.” I leaned closer. He did as well. Our faces were nearly touching but we hesitated to go further. He whispered, “I have never kissed a girl before.” I replied “I never kissed a boy either”. It was true. I hadn’t. I was nervous. I am pretty sure we were both shaking at this point. He said softly,  “Do you want to?” I nodded. Our lips met with quite a bit of force. I’m sure it was clumsy and awkward but it didn’t matter. I was feeling a high that I never felt before. When we pulled back ( I’m not sure who pulled back first. It happened so fast). He asked if I was ok again. He was nervous and didn’t want me to feel bad or uncomfortable as this was all against the rules and so very new for us. I said I was alright but I must have looked shocked because he helped me to the chair.  I felt faint.

He told me he loved me and that he wanted to marry me. Now I really was in shock! I felt like I was flying. I was overwhelmed, happy, and terrified what my parents would say or do if they found out we were this serious. He said ” I love you” and mentioned married without asking permission from my father. What am I going to do? ” I told him I felt the same way because the truth was I did! It was late at this point and I decided to excuse myself to bed since things were moving at a rapid rate. But I didn’t want to go. I was truly happy for the first time in a long time. But in reality our love was forbidden and it wouldn’t be long before it was crushed and we’d be torn apart.

Ok I suppose I’ll saved the tragedy for another time.

Until next time, Sage

Welcome to my blog

Let me start by saying I’m not responsible for any ads that may appear on my blog.

These are the real live accounts of my life. I have spent the last several years of my life trying to find myself. Undoing the things I was taught as a child. I came from an extremely conservative, religious background . In my new life, I’ve done things for the very first time as an adult, that most people would consider normal as children. This blog is my way of working through all the things I have tried and learned in the past few years along with the accounts of my past in what I can only describe as a controlling cult. This is about my thoughts and feelings on my whole experience.

These are my words and my story. Please don’t take them without my permission.

Sage © 2015  Starting over and Breaking Free.

I have labeled the post about my story as “Part 1”, “Part 2”, and “Part 3’…etc. Those posts are my back story. So you can read them in order and you know what is what. If I  leave it off, it is either unrelated or we have gotten to my current life story. I am new to this whole blogging thing so please bear with me. Scroll all the way down if you’d like to start at the beginning.