They Say Motherhood Isnt for the Weak- I Think They are Right!

We started home schooling about a month ago. Can I just say I am so glad that we decided to home school? The first day was a total disaster. I was like a deer looking into head lights. What am I thinking? The curriculum I got seemed alright but I had no idea how to handle my energetic 6-year-old. He was unfocused and really just wanted play. The first day of classes were super easy and all stuff he knew for a very long time aside from writing. He was so bored. I didn’t want to crush him like the public school had. I’m not gonna lie I was very overwhelmed. I just wanted to get him done every day. I found myself forcing him along. I rushing him to get it over with. I was stressing us both out. This is why I didn’t want him in public school in the first place.

The second week I realized this is never going to work if I let it overwhelm me and if I don’t make this about him.  So I reassessed the situation. I tried a bunch of things. But what seemed to help us both is to skip the work that is too easy. As long as he can pass the test who cares if he does the boring part? And it gives us a little extra time to work on areas he struggles.  By the way in the subject he finds to easy, he took a placement test and got the maximum score possible for his grade. He has gotten 100% on every test he has taken so far. So I know he isn’t missing anything. When it gets hard I will start teaching it more thoroughly again. He struggles a lot with writing and we’ve been able work on it and I am starting to see some improvement. I have learned so much about my son from schooling his the past month.

  1. He work better at his on pace ( Which I did know all along) But I also learn that giving him a 20 min break between each lesson actually get us done with school hours before it would if I just did classes right after the other and only took 2 breaks. We start school at 9 and we usually finish before 2 but without a break we don’t finish until closer to 4.
  2. He loves history! I love history too. I love that we share this together. His history class has a lesson and then he has to draw a picture and says a few things about his favorite part of the lesson. Normally anything that involves coloring or writing really is just miserable for him. But he actually really seems to enjoy this and gets excited about it. I love this!
  3. He loves to figure stuff out on his own. In science we do a lot of experiments. He love its. I supervise everything but he likes to try to do it by himself. He is very independent. Same with Math. We are learning about clocks and how to tell time. He wanted to figure it out on his own. I love that he enjoys figuring stuff out for his own. He is very much a visual learner. It’s very impressive to watch. He loves knowing how thing work and why.

So things to this point have gone very well but we have had our set back. We all got a bad virus. It was not fun. To make matters worse, my oldest started having random seizure activity. It scares me every time.  I handled it well but once he was at the end of it I went and had a good cry. We were almost 6 months seizure free. I have no idea what triggered. He has been taking his meds. Other then having a bit of a bug, he was doing well.  Nothing out of the ordinary. I know he doesn’t remember it but it scares me. He is doing better today. But I am watching in carefully and I’m staying in touch with his dr. I keep thinking if I had him in regular school and he had those seizures I don’t think they would know what to do with him. The nurse with seizure training was only there are certain days. So scary!

He started occupational therapy  and we only had one session so far but I have a good feeling about it. We also started taking him to a chiropractor as well. These things together should help him a lot with his physical hang ups and motor skills. I’m really excited. He is such a fantastic kid. I don’t want his issues holding him back.

My youngest son is also getting over a cold. But he is doing great. He will turn 5 soon. I’m doing preschool work wit him. He seems to enjoy it. I let help out in some of big brother’s classes. If we do science experiments or stuff like that. When we read books I read with both kids. Its been really good. I think its excellent bounding for them. Something productive they can do together.

It’s hard watching my kids struggle sometimes but to be honest I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They are the biggest blessing in me and my husband’s life. They keep us going. I really believe God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Though sometimes I feel like life can weigh me down but when it comes down to it, I have it SOOOO much better now than I did 10-15 years ago.  I am happy and my family happy. So that is what has been going on with us. Crazy life but we are doing pretty good.

Until next time, Sage

Abuse at home

My husband and I have been talking a lotabout our past since we started this blog and he asked me why I didn’t talk more about the bad choices my parents made and he also asked me why I left out certain details in my life? Partly, it was because I do still love my family and I don’t want to hurt them mainly my sister Olivia and partly because part it I felt like wasn’t my story to tell. But Jack is right. If I am going to talk about this stuff I need to talk about it ALL. So I am going back once again to when we started going to the cult church.
I have to admit I feel sick to my stomach right now thinking about it. I don’t think abuse should ever be covered up and brushed over. So ok I’m going to say it. The man I talked about in my post (click here to read post) He was actually related to us and lived with us were we lived for a very long time. No, It wasn’t my dad. One of my sisters was one of his victims. I knew he was a pervert but I was a child. I didn’t know what to do about it. My parents suspected he was into children too by the way he acted. But they didn’t know how bad it was until many years later. My sister stayed away from him as much as she could to avoid his encounters and he backed off eventually but tried to make her feel guilty about “not being fun anymore”. Taunted her. After my parents found out my sister moved out. My parents didn’t do anything about it. They thought because it had been awhile we’d just keep it quiet and pretend it didn’t happen. They also seemed upset with my sister for not wanting to live in the same house as him anymore. I once heard my mom say, ” You lived with him this long I don’t see why its a problem since he hasn’t done anything in a long time.” I think what hurts the most about it is that my dad is still there for him. When he says anything to my dad, my dad drops everything to go help him. He feels sorry for him because he has no one. Whose fault is that? He treats my dad horrible. Like my dad owes him something just because they are related. My aunt is not a christian but is living in complete denial. She thinks it was a one time thing. She defends him. But it he has so many victims and doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong.Why do people want to protect such evil monsters?
When I was young I had a lot of health problems. To be honest I still do. Mostly lung related. Before everything came out about this man, Charles, my parents would leave me home with him while I was sick. For people in our religion, the church always came first. You didn’t miss it for anything. You didn’t call in you crawled in. Though my mom and dad did take me to the dr and I do feel like my mom and dad did love me I often felt like church came first. One time particularly I almost died for an asthma/lung infection, when I came home, my parents left me in Charles care. Of course they didn’t know the how evil of a man he was but I also think they didn’t want to know. We were a good christian home. This would bring shame upon our name. As I told you before Charles asked if he could touch me but I said no. But I am sickened to think what he could have done to me while I slept and we were alone. I was on some pretty strong medication and I slept the whole time I was in his care. I want to vomit just thinking about it. He is now a registered sex offender for later offenses because of statutes of limitation were up by the time he got caught. One of my biggest regrets was not saying anything to police after I found out but I was a child. My whole world was “church” and school (they were the same thing). I should also add in a small defense of my parents, they did ask my sister what she wanted done. If she wanted him reported. But she was afraid and wanted it to be over with so she said, “nothing” but again she was a child.
I can’t express enough GROWN UPS, PLEASE, I beg you. Handle this stuff. If your children/ child or someone you know is being sexually assaulted call the police. Child predators don’t just have one victim and they don’t just stop. They may move on but they don’t stop.
Like I said before our whole lives were the ‘church.” I spend more time at church then I did my own house. I resented it. I was bored and tired. We often missed meals because we were at church. I once was fed a jumbo bag of m &ms for dinner because my mom was busy redecorating the church until late. I was hungry and my stomach ached. I complained about it and my mom was so embarrassed by it because the “leader” was there. I got an ear full the whole drive home about God’s service and not complaining. She did get me a burger on the way home which I ended up throwing up because I ate too fast, That on top of the m & ms, it just made me sick. It was dark by the time I got to eat real food and I didn’t have much lunch that day. Candy seems like a dream dinner for most kids but I didn’t have a huge sweet tooth. The rest of the week several adults in the “church” took their turns in lecturing me for complaining and not always putting God first. I even got a Sunday school lesson. I was so ashamed of myself. But the thing is I was a preteen. I was a growing kid. We never had dinner on Sundays. My mom had a lot on her plate. I understand that. But I wish my parents cared more about our family then others. She wanted to feel appreciated. The church praised her when she dropped everything for it.
If I had it and the pastor’s daughter wanted it, I had to give it up, joyfully. Needless to say we did not get along. I hated it. She never asked me for anything. She went straight to my mom because my mom would give it to her. We were poor. We didn’t have much. I hated it.
My parents often preferred to sacrifice for the church and pretend uncomfortable things went away. I love them dearly. Mom did often go to bat for me against the leader. But she was bad handling serious things until there was a gaping wound.
I remember when I was young she was so happy and awesome. I often wonder if she didn’t get postpartum depression after having my youngest sibling. That was right around the time we started going to the “church” and she really changed then. She was taking care of our house and Charles and home schooling me and my sisters while caring for a new baby. We all ended up moving into the same house. That is also when we stopped home school. My mother just had too much to juggle. Depression isn’t something Christians are supposed to have. I wonder what would have happened if that was acceptable?

My mom has expressed a lot of regret about how she handle a lot of things and I do forgive her. It’s too late to change anything but I did learn somethings. I will always put my families needs first. I know God is supposed to be first in one’s life but isn’t your family supposed to be your first ministry? Don’t their needs come first? Something to think about

Until next time, Sage

My Bucket list

This is my bucket list of “wild” things
I wanted to do but was never allowed to/ had the opportunity to/ wasn’t brave enough to.

  1.  Wear pants – check
  2. get my ears pierced  – check
  3. drink some fruity little drink with the umbrellas like they do on tv (I’ve never drank alcohol unless you count the time when I was a little girl and accidents drank something with alcohol in it at a ball game.) Any recommendations?
  4. Go dancing. I’ve never danced in public, been “clubbing” , or gone to a party where people had danci g of any kind.
  5. Get  a nose ring or stud