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Welcome to my blog

Let me start by saying I’m not responsible for any ads that may appear on my blog.

These are the real live accounts of my life. I have spent the last several years of my life trying to find myself. Undoing the things I was taught as a child. I came from an extremely conservative, religious background . In my new life, I’ve done things for the very first time as an adult, that most people would consider normal as children. This blog is my way of working through all the things I have tried and learned in the past few years along with the accounts of my past in what I can only describe as a controlling cult. This is about my thoughts and feelings on my whole experience.

These are my words and my story. Please don’t take them without my permission.

Sage © 2015  Starting over and Breaking Free.

I have labeled the post about my story as “Part 1”, “Part 2”, and “Part 3’…etc. Those posts are my back story. So you can read them in order and you know what is what. If I  leave it off, it is either unrelated or we have gotten to my current life story. I am new to this whole blogging thing so please bear with me. Scroll all the way down if you’d like to start at the beginning.

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Learning Lessons

I feel like this has been the year of learning lessons. I find my biggest flaws have been exposed recently.
As I reach the end of my first year homeschooling my ‘special needs’ kid, I realized how much I lacked patience and how much I really had to reach to muster some up. I’ve had to take many mommy times outs. Though I have a long way to go, I feel like Improving. Im trying to do better. I have to do better.
Its very hard for me to admit when I am wrong. My defense mechanism kicks in. I hate being vulnerable. I don’t like even talking about it. I started this blog to take a look at my life and to see how far I’ve come. You can’t grow unless you learn for your mistakes and you can learn from them unless you admit them. This is my growing process.
My huband was trying to teach me how to drive a car a few weeks ago.( Hard for me to admit that. Yes, Im 28 and Im just learning to drive. Kind of embarassing) He corrected me when I made a mistake and I found myself making excuses as to while it wasn’t that wrong. I got defensive and called him a professor tight wad. It was funny we both laughed but I realized I kept making the same mistake. I blew it off instead of taking note. I wanted to learn how to do this but I wasn’t gonna learn until I let my guard down and tried.
Im still learning and I still make mistakes but I’m trying very hard and I do appreciate that my hubby’s help. I hope to pass my test soon.* Fingers crossed.*
I really want to be a better person. My nature wants to be brave and put on a strong front and never show weakness but thats not reality. My nature never wants to be hurt again. I dont want to be broken. No body can be a brick wall all the time. A brick wall eventually crumbles.
So I be a strong woman but I will work learning to accept when I am wrong. I will work on being a better person.
I will fail but I will get back up for my husband and my kids.

What makes a successful parent anyways?

So a lot has happened lately. My younger sister, Kolbie, found out she was pregnant. She is not married. She is 4 months along and just told me and our oldest sibling. She finally told our parents soon after and packed her stuff and moved in with her boyfriend.  Very big “no no” in the eyes of our parents. She is 19. The same age I was when I met Jack. My mom had many reactions to this She blamed me for being a bad influence. She blamed Kolbie for being rebellious, and she realized there is nothing she can do about it. She is trying very hard to be..well.. calm about it so Kolbie wont cut her out but she is beyond upset about it and as she put it “embarrassed.”

She said something to me on the phone and it was quite shocking to hear. She told me she wasn’t surprised that me and my older sister kept it a secret because we are all thick as thieves. ( That part wasn’t shocking but rather true). Then she went on to say how she felt like a failure as a parent. I replied with well, I guess this means I’m no longer the baddest of the bunch. She said I feel like I failed with us all. Its my fault you guys aren’t what you should be. I was pretty jarred by that. My husband and I are still in church ( though she wouldn’t approve of it ( I don’t tell her where we go. So she doesn’t know she wouldn’t approve) but we go. my husband has a good job and is providing for us. We aren’t rich but we pay all of our bills. I don’t drink, do drugs, and I take really good care of my kids. Yes, I ran away to Vegas and got married but I have my life on a good path. I’m not perfect but we have it together and I am very responible.

My older sister struggles a lot financial but she is active in a church for which my parents approve . While she isn’t perfect either she follows the rules and would be a great poster child for Christians.

My sister Kolbie works a full-time job and isn’t really in church. I guess you could say she is the wildest of the bunch but she is a loyal family person and a hard worker.

I know my mom said it out of anger and hurt but that cuts deep to children who want their parent’s approval. My older sister particularly is desperate for my mom to be proud of her. My mom feel likes she failed her because she doesn’t like the man  who my sister married. She feels like he doesn’t provide for her enough and that they have too many kids.  She blamed my brother-in-law for it all. She thinks he is lazy and a man child. My mom feels like we should all be attached to the hip with out kids. That means home schooling and not leaving them with babysitters. This is very hard for my sister. She has a lot of children and likes to go on date with her husband.

Last night I was laying in bed and I started thinking “What makes successful(Christian) parents?”

Are you successful if your kids turn just like you? Are you a successful if they are full-time workers in the ministry? Perhaps if they aren’t drug dealers or a fornicator?  Maybe they have financial success? A big 6 figure job? A limited number of children or the ability to clip coupons and save money?

I think for my husband’s mother – she wanted a son who brought her glory and took care of her so she could be set.

For my mother I think she wants children who were just like her.

What do I want for my kids? I haven’t thought that far ahead. My focus is to help my youngest with speech and my oldest one with motor skills. I am proud of their accomplishments and help them get back up with the fail. I know I’ll make mistakes and some times I will over react and fail them. But I hope that no matter what they don’t feel like I’m against them. I guess to me there is no fail or success unless you (abuse or scar your children) because you do your best and your kids decided what or who they are going to be. You can’t force them to be something they are not as much as we wish we could.

The leader of our old cult church forced her kids to be little robots and as soon as her son went to college, he got married and moved to the coast. I saw pictures on instagram and they were at the beach in bikinis and swim trunks. Even with all the control he still did what he wanted. From the pictures I’m sure is parents aren’t happy with the way he is living. Maybe the pressure to be perfect causes more of a desire to be messy and imperfect.

I am no parents expert but from what I observe I know a balance in life is very important. Hard and stern and work and more work all the time  will eventually wear down. Goes for everything. Just my thoughts.

 

Until next time, Sage

 

 

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2015 has gone and we still keep on going..

I have been meaning to write this for awhile now. The words have been dancing around in my head. 2015 had been a whirl wind of adventure. We got to do some traveling. We visited my sister and her kids. We also saw my parents and grandparents. They all live near each other. We saw the grand canyon. Last fall we got to go to Disneyland for Epilepsy awareness day thanks to the help of a great charity for epilepsy. We got Seaworld passes from a friend for Christmas. It has been really amazing! We had been really be trying to make the most of life as we are we are financially able. I have learned that life is unpredictable. So I make the most of our memories Since finding out my 6 year old had epilepsy as well as sensitivity issues our life has changed but it hasn’t held us back.

We are going on our second semester of home schooling. As I mentioned before public school wasn’t working for him. He was miserable.  School felt like a prison for him. When we started home schooling I was really expecting it to be a total nightmare. I had no faith in myself as a teacher. The home school online program we were using was confusing and overwhelming. I soon realized this is a LOT of work that I really didn’t want to do. As a mother you often find yourself doing things you don’t really want to do. I have to say 1 semester down and it has really been worth it. We have had our ups and downs-really more ups than down. It helps that he is a very intelligent child. He is doing a lot of his work independently. With my him ( my oldest child) I have learned breaks are essential. He works better the more breaks he gets. When he starts to have focus issues or becomes restless, a moment or two to stretch is really successful way to help get him back on track. He also gets breaks between each class. It makes a huge difference. He is doing so well. He is getting very high grades and tested above grade level is many subjects on his own merit. I am not pushing him to be a super genius. He just really enjoys science, history, and reading.

The interesting thing about home school verses regular public school is that you can accomplish in half a day what takes all day for them.  And you get more breaks in home school.

My youngest son just turned 5. I have been doing preschool at home. I get him involved in all the science experiments and art project my oldest is doing. We have also been playing letter games and we have been playing with number and shapes.  He is picking up things very well. He can already read basic words. I am very proud of him as well. My husband and I have been looking at kindergartens for him to attend. I wasn’t at all happy with the care the kids got at our local public school. My youngest is pretty well adjusted and enjoys building and creating – particularly contraption that do things and booby traps. I rather him go to a school that can support his interest. Next week he has an appt with a speech therapist. He is a really hard time saying certain sounds. So we will see how that goes.

So whats new with me? I am learning to drive. I know its really weird that I am 28 years old and I have never had a drivers license. I never had a need to drive. I never went anywhere as a teenager without my sister. I had only friend at church. I didn’t party or go on dates. Ive been married 8 years now so I figured now was a good time.

I am hoping to have my license by July. Wish me luck!

Until next time,

Sage

 

 

They Say Motherhood Isnt for the Weak- I Think They are Right!

We started home schooling about a month ago. Can I just say I am so glad that we decided to home school? The first day was a total disaster. I was like a deer looking into head lights. What am I thinking? The curriculum I got seemed alright but I had no idea how to handle my energetic 6-year-old. He was unfocused and really just wanted play. The first day of classes were super easy and all stuff he knew for a very long time aside from writing. He was so bored. I didn’t want to crush him like the public school had. I’m not gonna lie I was very overwhelmed. I just wanted to get him done every day. I found myself forcing him along. I rushing him to get it over with. I was stressing us both out. This is why I didn’t want him in public school in the first place.

The second week I realized this is never going to work if I let it overwhelm me and if I don’t make this about him.  So I reassessed the situation. I tried a bunch of things. But what seemed to help us both is to skip the work that is too easy. As long as he can pass the test who cares if he does the boring part? And it gives us a little extra time to work on areas he struggles.  By the way in the subject he finds to easy, he took a placement test and got the maximum score possible for his grade. He has gotten 100% on every test he has taken so far. So I know he isn’t missing anything. When it gets hard I will start teaching it more thoroughly again. He struggles a lot with writing and we’ve been able work on it and I am starting to see some improvement. I have learned so much about my son from schooling his the past month.

  1. He work better at his on pace ( Which I did know all along) But I also learn that giving him a 20 min break between each lesson actually get us done with school hours before it would if I just did classes right after the other and only took 2 breaks. We start school at 9 and we usually finish before 2 but without a break we don’t finish until closer to 4.
  2. He loves history! I love history too. I love that we share this together. His history class has a lesson and then he has to draw a picture and says a few things about his favorite part of the lesson. Normally anything that involves coloring or writing really is just miserable for him. But he actually really seems to enjoy this and gets excited about it. I love this!
  3. He loves to figure stuff out on his own. In science we do a lot of experiments. He love its. I supervise everything but he likes to try to do it by himself. He is very independent. Same with Math. We are learning about clocks and how to tell time. He wanted to figure it out on his own. I love that he enjoys figuring stuff out for his own. He is very much a visual learner. It’s very impressive to watch. He loves knowing how thing work and why.

So things to this point have gone very well but we have had our set back. We all got a bad virus. It was not fun. To make matters worse, my oldest started having random seizure activity. It scares me every time.  I handled it well but once he was at the end of it I went and had a good cry. We were almost 6 months seizure free. I have no idea what triggered. He has been taking his meds. Other then having a bit of a bug, he was doing well.  Nothing out of the ordinary. I know he doesn’t remember it but it scares me. He is doing better today. But I am watching in carefully and I’m staying in touch with his dr. I keep thinking if I had him in regular school and he had those seizures I don’t think they would know what to do with him. The nurse with seizure training was only there are certain days. So scary!

He started occupational therapy  and we only had one session so far but I have a good feeling about it. We also started taking him to a chiropractor as well. These things together should help him a lot with his physical hang ups and motor skills. I’m really excited. He is such a fantastic kid. I don’t want his issues holding him back.

My youngest son is also getting over a cold. But he is doing great. He will turn 5 soon. I’m doing preschool work wit him. He seems to enjoy it. I let help out in some of big brother’s classes. If we do science experiments or stuff like that. When we read books I read with both kids. Its been really good. I think its excellent bounding for them. Something productive they can do together.

It’s hard watching my kids struggle sometimes but to be honest I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They are the biggest blessing in me and my husband’s life. They keep us going. I really believe God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Though sometimes I feel like life can weigh me down but when it comes down to it, I have it SOOOO much better now than I did 10-15 years ago.  I am happy and my family happy. So that is what has been going on with us. Crazy life but we are doing pretty good.

Until next time, Sage

A nice turn of events

I am very happy to report things are going very well for us right now.  Some times when things go good for us I wonder when the other shoe will drop? You only get so much good luck in life? Ha! I guess that is kinda negative thinking but it helps me stay positive when things get tough. It helps me to be prepared for it when things don’t go well. It’s weird but it does help.

Anyways, the good news is my husband got a new job! He had probably close to 20 interviews over the past month or two but it paid off. His current job actually finally came through with the raise they promised. So in the mean time while we wait for him to start his new job he will make more there. The new job pays more than his current job with the new salary and it will offer more of a chance to move up.  He a canceled the job interview was supposed to have next week but they really wanted him to stay in the running. He didn’t take it though. I suppose that says a lot about him. People want him to work for them. He is a hard worker and he really knows his stuff in his field. I am so proud of him! This will help us so much! I am so very thankful to God for seeing we are struggling and helping us work our way up to something better. Perseverance pays off!

This changes his hours so I won’t be able to get my younger son to TK (transitional kindergarten). They don’t provide transportation for any age at that school. So I’m homeschooling both my boys in the fall. It’s going to be a big adjustment and it will also change our plans but I’m so excited and it’s going to be better for or family in the long run.  We won’t be loaded with money but we will be able to live inside our means now. I am happy and content with that. My husband informed them that he will probably have to come in late or leave early sometimes since our son has dr appointments and they said that would be fine. That is a huge relief!

My oldest child is doing pretty good. He has actually improved a lot since being out of school. I think since the pressure has been off, he has room to find his own footing. He still has his quirks but I can see him starting to come into his own.  I think part of it is he just needed to time to grow a little. He used to be so sensitive to sounds and textures but its doesn’t seem to bother him much anymore. We went to see fire works for the 4th, he didn’t even need ear plugs. I was sooo proud of him! That is a HUGE DEAL! He didn’t panic. He seemed completely chill. He still has dr appts coming up. He has an MRI later this months. And they want him to go to OT because he has balance issues. He is doing well though.

So things are going well. There is an epilepsy event coming up soon at the end of the year. I am really hoping we can go. With my hubby having a new job there is actually a chance. We will have to save up but I think it would be fantastic.  There are support groups and treatment discussions, safety tips and stuff. It would be really amazing. I really hope we can! This is a cause that means a lot to me. I want to raise awareness. I wish I would have know about it before my son’s first seizure. I wish I knew what to do so I could have better helped him! My hope and prayer is that they find a cure for it!

Thanks for the home school support I’ve been getting. And thank you everyone for following me! You guys have been great!

Until next time, Sage.

Life is a roller coaster.

My life has been crazy of late. My oldest son who suffers from partial complex seizures, is about to start another round of test. He is scared. He remember when he had the test before and the blood work he had to get. It wasn’t s pleasant experience for him.  He is 6 years old and incredible smart. Always asking question and wanted to know how things work. I hate seeing him go through these things. This is something I can’t make better with a kiss. He seizures are well control with medication but they do test every so often to make sure his meds are working, ti see if he has grown out of it, etc… It seems all of our family’s appts and our check ups are landing in the same two months. We have something scheduled for my husbands days off every week for the whole month of July. June was pretty full too.

My husband has also been applying for better jobs as much as possible. Money is getting tight and it’s getting harder and harder to live. He had so many interviews last month and more this month. Each job had about 2-3 parts: A written, a face to face, and a usually final interview with the big bosses. The First job he didn’t get. The second job LOVED him and begged him to reapply next time but they hired internally as they liked to take care of their own first. The third job, he got but they ended up not paying enough. He has 2 more job on the rope. Well, technically 3 as the one place has two openings. But he has to apply separately for both since it’s the same job but different divisions.( does that make sense?) Who knows if anything will come from it.

Soon he has job training where he is currently working. He will be at work extra hours. I try not to complain because I know he is trying to do better for us. And I am gratefully proud of him. But when him gone so much I feel like I am a single mother. I miss him. When he is home, he tries really hard to be there for me and the kids even though I know he is tired from all the work he does. I feel bad sometimes because of it.

I started the process to home school my oldest son. I am hoping I don’t fail him. He has an incredible mind and I don’t want to ruin it. I am trying hard to remember to be patient with him.

We have been trying to make plans to visit my father in law. He lives around 4 hours give or take from us. The longer we wait the harder it will be because my mother in law doesn’t know we have a relationship with him. Or at least we don’t talk about it with her. She doesn’t really want her ex husband to be apart of my husband, Jack’s life.  It would help if we knew when MIL (Mother in law) was a coming to live near us. She keeps saying times but then stuff keeps coming up. I’m so grateful stuff comes up because that is one less thing to worry about. But its hard to make plans. If we go out-of-town and she is here then it will be very awkward because she will want to know details. Talk about how it bothers her. Or she may follow us. Try and move into our house while we are gone. Even when she is in another state she still tends to figure out every time we go out-of-town. I really think the CIA should hire her. She could be a professional stalker/ spy.

We went to church on sunday. It felt a little less awkward because they didn’t have the drums they usually do in their worship band. Instead they had blue grass type music. It was weird but I felt more at home with it then the rock band they usually have. I love Rock music but I feel guilty sometimes hearing it at church. I know, I know! That is kinda messed up and doesn’t make sense. But its hard to reset things were taught your whole life. I kinda wish I could have it both ways. The middle ground. But I have yet to find the it. I don’t really feel like I belong anywhere.

So life isn’t too bad. Just a lot of juggling. Trying not to get over whelmed. I am trying to just focus on the well-being of my beautiful children. It helps keep me going.

Until next time, Sage!

Nightmare

I just woke up from this nightmare. One I’ve had a million times before. I actually hadn’t had it in awhile but all this talk about a reunion of the old culty church has my head spinning. The dream sometimes take place at different location during different real life points of my life  but it usually goes the same. It’s me and my youth group, and the leader. This time leader is standing before us in the tiny room we called a class. There were no windows and the leader was blocking the only door – the only exit. She is riping me apart in front of every one and I finally have enough. Stand up and tell say what I really think. I open my mouth and the words fly seamlessly. Something I never could do in real life at least not without breaking down sobbing and probably vomiting. Now I’m trapped there to face her fury. Then I wake up. My heart is beating right out of my chest. I know they have no hold on me anymore. I don’t know how many times I tried to let it go. To move on. Sometimes it still haunts me. I hate it…I just hate it