So a lot has happened lately. My younger sister, Kolbie, found out she was pregnant. She is not married. She is 4 months along and just told me and our oldest sibling. She finally told our parents soon after and packed her stuff and moved in with her boyfriend. Very big “no no” in the eyes of our parents. She is 19. The same age I was when I met Jack. My mom had many reactions to this She blamed me for being a bad influence. She blamed Kolbie for being rebellious, and she realized there is nothing she can do about it. She is trying very hard to be..well.. calm about it so Kolbie wont cut her out but she is beyond upset about it and as she put it “embarrassed.”
She said something to me on the phone and it was quite shocking to hear. She told me she wasn’t surprised that me and my older sister kept it a secret because we are all thick as thieves. ( That part wasn’t shocking but rather true). Then she went on to say how she felt like a failure as a parent. I replied with well, I guess this means I’m no longer the baddest of the bunch. She said I feel like I failed with us all. Its my fault you guys aren’t what you should be. I was pretty jarred by that. My husband and I are still in church ( though she wouldn’t approve of it ( I don’t tell her where we go. So she doesn’t know she wouldn’t approve) but we go. my husband has a good job and is providing for us. We aren’t rich but we pay all of our bills. I don’t drink, do drugs, and I take really good care of my kids. Yes, I ran away to Vegas and got married but I have my life on a good path. I’m not perfect but we have it together and I am very responible.
My older sister struggles a lot financial but she is active in a church for which my parents approve . While she isn’t perfect either she follows the rules and would be a great poster child for Christians.
My sister Kolbie works a full-time job and isn’t really in church. I guess you could say she is the wildest of the bunch but she is a loyal family person and a hard worker.
I know my mom said it out of anger and hurt but that cuts deep to children who want their parent’s approval. My older sister particularly is desperate for my mom to be proud of her. My mom feel likes she failed her because she doesn’t like the man who my sister married. She feels like he doesn’t provide for her enough and that they have too many kids. She blamed my brother-in-law for it all. She thinks he is lazy and a man child. My mom feels like we should all be attached to the hip with out kids. That means home schooling and not leaving them with babysitters. This is very hard for my sister. She has a lot of children and likes to go on date with her husband.
Last night I was laying in bed and I started thinking “What makes successful(Christian) parents?”
Are you successful if your kids turn just like you? Are you a successful if they are full-time workers in the ministry? Perhaps if they aren’t drug dealers or a fornicator? Maybe they have financial success? A big 6 figure job? A limited number of children or the ability to clip coupons and save money?
I think for my husband’s mother – she wanted a son who brought her glory and took care of her so she could be set.
For my mother I think she wants children who were just like her.
What do I want for my kids? I haven’t thought that far ahead. My focus is to help my youngest with speech and my oldest one with motor skills. I am proud of their accomplishments and help them get back up with the fail. I know I’ll make mistakes and some times I will over react and fail them. But I hope that no matter what they don’t feel like I’m against them. I guess to me there is no fail or success unless you (abuse or scar your children) because you do your best and your kids decided what or who they are going to be. You can’t force them to be something they are not as much as we wish we could.
The leader of our old cult church forced her kids to be little robots and as soon as her son went to college, he got married and moved to the coast. I saw pictures on instagram and they were at the beach in bikinis and swim trunks. Even with all the control he still did what he wanted. From the pictures I’m sure is parents aren’t happy with the way he is living. Maybe the pressure to be perfect causes more of a desire to be messy and imperfect.
I am no parents expert but from what I observe I know a balance in life is very important. Hard and stern and work and more work all the time will eventually wear down. Goes for everything. Just my thoughts.
Until next time, Sage